April 2, 2007 Update

• On North Carolina missing 22 of its last 23 shots in losing to Georgetown in the NCAA tournament last weekend: "Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots."

March 14, 2007 Update

• On one of Nate Robinson's dunks during All Star weekend: "Any time a little midget does something like this, you gotta give him a 10!"
• Before his famous race against Dick Bavetta: "I have nothing against old people; I want to be one myself one day."
• "I want to be a politician. I think I understand how the system works, I think a lot of politicians are corrupt, and it's about time we put some people in there who are going to look out for the majority of the people instead of the rich people."
• On Iraq: "It's an easy call for me. We've got to get out of Iraq. [Saddam Hussein] is dead. That situation hasn't gotten better. So, anything that the Republicans say about the war in Iraq -- it's just bogus. I mean, it's a terrible situation. We've got a lot of innocent kids getting killed over there, and we're never going to be safe over there."

February 13, 2007 Update

• On his gambling critics: "I never saw them in there getting kicked in the head by Karl Malone".
• "If I want to lose every dime I have, it should be up to me."
• "Dick Bavetta and Moses parted the Red Sea together."
• "I know I'm a fat, old has-been, but there's no way an old man of 67 can outrun me. It's impossible!"

February 5, 2007 Archive

After Kenny Smith declares Yao Ming is the best player on the Houston Rockets: "Next thing you're gonna tell me is that Robert Horry and Rick Fox are the Lakers best players."

After Cleveland suffers an embarrassing opening night loss: "You know what they're saying in Cleveland? 'When do we play Golden State?'"

On the Utah Jazz: "When your two best players are 40, you got a problem."

To Kenny: "Hakeem couldn't kick your ass cuz you were too close, kissin his!"

First of all, you don't want the Chinese mad at you: They can fight!"
Thanks Wizznutzz!

Yao Ming makes Sean Bradley look like Bill Russell. You say he's gonna get 19 points in a game? Why dont you go without eating until he [Yao] gets 19 points in a game? You'll weigh about 12 pounds!"

"When you said it, I thought you bet me he was gonna get 19 points in one WEEK, but you said he was gonna get 19 points in one GAME!"

You know what he [Yao] said? "Whew! Even white guys can play over here!"

"He [Kenny] said Yao Ming's gonna get 19 points. If he gets 19 points in a game, I'll kiss [Kenny's] ass."

"You're the boss, Ernie. The white guy's always the boss."

Kenny: "There's guys who go over to Europe and play overseas from America, and they dominate!"
Charles: "Those are called 'brothers'

On the Portland Trail Blazers serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."
Thanks Wizznutzz!

"I love sam cassell, he's a great guy... but he does look like E.T."

After the Atlanta Hawks announce the game's attendence (16,000): "If there was 16,000 people there, i'll walk from here to oakland."

On the Timberwolves' bench, nick-named 'The Zoo Crew': "The zoo crew? Must be a petting zoo."

Poor black people are in great shape. Black people use duct tape for everything. You break a chair, use duct tape. Your pants rip, use duct tape. You tear your ACL, use duct tape!" -- Barkley, on the nation's warning to the public to buy duct tape.
Thanks Wizznutzz!

"He will probably win, but that movie [Gangs of New York] was terrible" -- Barkley, predicting that Daniel Day-Lewis will win the Oscar for Best Actor.
Thanks Wizznutzz!

"If he can make Adam Sandler funny, then they should give him the Oscar right now." -- Barkley, on Jack Nicholson, nominated for About Schmidt, being paired with Adam Sandler in a upcoming movie.
Thanks Wizznutzz!

January 31, 2007 Archive

• "I had to explain to my daughter why that skank Monica Lewinski has an hour special on HBO this weekend."
• To Ernie: "You should be more concerned with your forehead getting bigger every year."
• Reading a book cover: "'Broadcasting for dummies'? This is for you, Ernie."
• "They say it about brothers, but I can guarantee everybody in Finland look alike."
• Ernie: Do the Knicks have any chance of turning things around?
  Charles: Heeellll No!
• Ernie: What's the Knick's problem right now?
  Charles: They no good.
• To Kenny: "That's what I just said! I hate when you repeat after me and try to sound intelligent."
• "Scottie Pippin? I thought he retired!"
• "Kenny - you aint got no sterno, have you?"
• On the olympic sport, curling: "I'm still trying to get my grandmother off her old behind and into the Olympics. Why not? She can dust."
• Arriving at a Knicks game and being swarmed by reporters: "You want to talk to me? I guess it's not like you have a team to cover."
• On the Enron scandal investigation: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."
• "Any time something bad happens to a black person because of racism, I feel it in my soul. I really do. You take the Abner Louima case. That let me know one thing: If some white guys wanted to stick a plunger up a black guy's butt, and I'm the black guy who happened to be around, I'd have a plunger up my butt."
• "It's kinda great to see the Celtics doin well again cuz that was so much fun in my day to go to the Boston Garden and they spit at you and throw things at you and talk about your mom. It sounds like dinner at Kenny Smith's house."
• To Kenny: "You know the thing that was amazing about that game? Between the two of y'all ya had 60 points that night, his [Hakeem's] 51 and your 9."
• "He [Kenny] knows basketball and I know a little bit, but I'm just here for good looks."
• On seeing the now AOL sponsored playoff brackets: Charles: "The AOL Brackets now Kenny!"
  Kenny: "I can log on!"
  Charles: "No you can't Kenny. They lost 54 billion today. You can't log on."
• In response to why his team (I think the Rockets, this was a while back) couldn't win a championship: "Bad team, man. Bad fucking team."
  Thanks Ben!

January 26, 2007 Archive

• CB asfter seeing a picture of Sam Cassell on the screen: "Phone home." And later he remarks to Kenny, "Sam Cassell is a good guy, but he's not going to wind up on the cover of GQ anytime soon."
  Thanks Rob!
• "I play ghetto golf -- I talk the whole time."
• "If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she's ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can't play a lick. Same thing."
• EJ: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort." Sir Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also!"
  Thanks Brian!
• This was right after Peja won the 3-point contest: "Kenny said it was going to be an all-international night. I want to know which international brother is going to win the slam dunk contest."
  Thanks Rob!
• "Today is Jimmy Hatter's birthday -- he's the gay guy we got workin' behind the scenes, y'all. We hire them all at TNT. We do not discriminate. We hired the pimp last year, Craig Sager, and now we got Jimmy Hatter. We got all the ethnic groups covered."

January 25, 2007 Archive

Charles Barkley regarding Dan Issels fine when calling a heckling fan a Mexican. "I don't think he (Issel) should have been fined or suspended. Some fans just need to be beaten down!"
Thanks Rod!

"You don't wear Nike, it's going to happen. They gave him all that money to wear those cheap Filas." -- TNT's Charles Barkley, re: Grant Hill's foot injuries.

"Everybody should have the right to be honest. Only in sports and celebrity can you not be honest." -- Barkley quoted in a profile on HBO's Real Sports.

"How long do you think Steve Nash spent on his hair? 5 seconds? 10 seconds?"

EJ: "Did they recognize you in South Dakota?" Charles: "Yes, they did. It was easy because I was the only black person there. When they see me walking down the street they say 'There he goes again'. And when I come back the next year they say 'He's back yawl!'"

EJ: "Did you graduate from Auburn?" Charles: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."

"You gotta tell Craig Sager to stop telling other people what I said. They don't need to know my business."

Barkley to Ernie Johnson after comedian Carrot Top is seen holding Johnson's picture: "That is your oldest son right? He looks like you."

Barkley on Turner Sports office having a betting pool on his weight: "That is starting to hurt my feelings. I don't mind skinny people making fun of me, we all do that, but I don't want fat people making fun of me."

"This is my schedule: I wake up in the morning, decide where to play golf and drink beer all day."

"I've been rich and poor. Being rich is better."

"Damn Ted Turner! Whose idea was it to start these games at nine o'clock? That's some sad shit! When I own this network, there's gonna be a lot of changes around here. Number one - all your asses are gonna be history!."

"From now on, if Michael or Shaq aren't playing, I aint showing up." [to the studio]

"we better not be doing the Bulls this year. Man, they suck! Bunch of high school kids with $70 million contracts. Damn! I hate my mother for having me too soon."

"I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."

"I don't need to be on TV. If I had a good agent, I'd be on Temptation Island. I wanna be around a bunch of naked-ass girls. That's just good television programming."

"I can't believe we're talking about high school guys being good in the NBA when they average six points a game. I could do that right now, and I ain't touched a basketball in a couple of months."

On Jerry Krause still being able to keep his job as GM of the Chicago Bulls: "Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."

"when I was recruited at Auburn [university], they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."

"All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine."

"I always hang out with people with money and make them pay for everything."

On Vince Carter : "He played like a girl all last year. TV made him a superstar. Now he has to play like one and quit whining."

"I really don't eat that much. I just, more or less, tend to eat all the time."

On Peter Vescey calling him fat on TV: "I told him I'm gaining weight and I can lose weight, but he's always going to be ugly. I am not going to jump him on TV because there'll be witnesses. If I beat him up, it's going to be in a dark alley somewhere. The truth is, I'm going to have to get bigger clothes or start hanging out with fat people to look skinnier."

"My goals are to play the piano and get really, really, really fat."

"Nick, Nick, Nick - You're a good player, but you are a goof for giving up 26 million dollars. There ain't many black people that got a lot of money and if you give up 26 million dollars, you're just a stone idiot.

To Billy Crystal, the only 'famous' Clippers fan: "How did you not become a Laker fan like all the other phony celebrities?"